By Tim Clark / / Column, Tim's Two Cents
Two

My favorite television show of all time was Seinfeld.

That means my favorite fictional holiday is Festivus.

As the story goes, Frank Costanza and another gentleman were grabbing for the last doll on the shelf. Frank began raining blows down upon the man in an attempt to get the doll. It made him realize the commercialization of Christmas had become too much. So he created a new holiday. A holiday with a simple metal pole as decoration and where people aired their grievances with one another.

 

 

The character Kramer began calling unhappy coincidences Festivus miracles.

 

 

The whole thing was simply tremendous.

Every year I have plenty of grievances to air from the sports world. This year I am going to add some Festivus miracles to my list.

Get ready. Grievances are about to be aired.

🤬🤬🤬Grievance 1🤬🤬🤬

Hey, sports fans! I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about it!

Penn State hasn’t won a national title in football for 40 years. Yet their fans —led by fanboy AD Pat Kraft—  act like it is a rite of passage. Nittany Lion fans also continue to compare every coach to Joe Paterno. Paterno was a legend, but he has been gone for a while and times change —much as I hate that fact. Bill O’Brien had his fill of the Paterno-ites, Franklin was reminded of Paterno every time he lost a big game, which was always. Then the exhausting coaching search where every candidate was compared to Paterno. Delirium runs wild in Happy Valley.

Notre Dame got jobbed out of a playoff spot and cried and cried and cried and cried. The fans, along with everyone at Notre Dame, think they are special and should be treated as such. They usually are treated with special kid gloves. It is never ending. Yesterday, USC took a stand. With a possible agreement in place to extend the USC/Notre Dame rivalry, USC simply asked that the game be moved to the front of their schedule to accommodate a rugged Big Ten schedule. Notre Dame didn’t want it that way and refused. Naturally all of the crying Irish fans blamed USC, noting their recent dominance in the rivalry as proof that USC was acting cowardly. This group of fans is as nauseating as any in America.

Michigan has a laundry list of violations and general bad behavior over the past five years. Aside from the 2-3 years Jim Harbaugh cheated his way to a championship, Michigan has been the poster child for slightly above average. As in the whole way back to Lloyd Carr. Yet, as Michigan embarks on a coaching search all the Wolverines faithful are running at the mouth about how it is the best job in the country. Really? Then why haven’t you filled the vacancy?  You people definitely have delusions of grandeur. Maybe focus on your basketball team. At least until they choke in the tournament.

USC fans always think Pete Carroll is walking through the door. Here is the truth about USC. For the 20 years before Pete Carroll arrived there was a lot of mediocrity, with the occasional bolt of success, and a sprinkling of misery —yes, I’m talking to you Paul Hackett. It has been more of the same after Carroll left for the NFL. I am a little more forgiving of this group since I am one of them, and since they have endured a too young Lane Kiffin, a too drunk Steve Sarkisian, and a too stupid Clay Helton for more than a decade.

Louisville basketball fans took to Twitter bashing Pat Kelsey after the blowout loss to Tennessee last week. I can only assume through many, many therapy sessions, that those fans have blocked the two Kenny Payne seasons —a total of 6 whole wins— out of their minds. Kelsey is 31-5 in his last 36 games at Louisville. Oh, and this is his second year. Some of these bourbon soaked fans were actually asking who the school could get to replace him. Seriously, Cards fans, put the bottle down.

All of you fans need to tether yourselves to reality. This stuff is out of hand.

🤬🤬🤬Grievance 2🤬🤬🤬

Hey, Stripes! I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about them.

I get that officiating isn’t easy, but the level of inconsistency that all sports officials give us is unacceptable.

The NFL is on my mind so I will start there. We aren’t there to see you, so stop making calls up just to get air time. Oh, sorry, I was channeling my inner Puka Nacua. He isn’t wrong. Refs call interference when it isn’t, and don’t call interference when it is. Who the heck knows what a catch is anymore. The real killer these days is unsportsmanlike conduct. Players these days run their mouth the minute they step between the lines. Then they go on podcasts and run their mouth some more. Consequently, refs are told to clean it up by throwing a flag. Except, like every other call, it is a penalty one time and not the next time. Spinning the ball, pointing at a player for a second, standing over a player after putting a good hit on them shouldn’t be penalties. It just slows down the game.

College football isn’t any better. An added complaint I have with college officiating is they have too many reviews and still screw up the call after review. Don't get me started on how they adjudicate targeting.

Now that college basketball has gone to a challenge system and don’t force officials to spend a half hour at the monitor, inconsistency from half to half is their biggest officiating issue. It is tough for players to adjust to the officiating when it is different from the first half to the second half. Please err on the side of letting the players play. We didn’t tune in to watch a foul shooting contest.

Baseball umpires inconsistencies are leading us towards automated balls and strikes. It starts this year with a challenge system, but undoubtedly will end up with automation.

So listen Stripes. Get your eyes checked, be consistent, and understand fans could care less about you. An unnoticed ref is a good ref.

🤬🤬🤬Grievance 3🤬🤬🤬

Hey baseball! I’ve got a big problem with you, and now you’re gonna hear about it.

Get a salary cap.

Players like Bryce Harper can talk about how unfair that would be for players, and this is America, blah, blah, blah. Players would still get paid. They just wouldn’t all get paid by the Dodgers. Plus, the bottom 85% of players would benefit greatly from a salary cap.

With a cap comes a floor, meaning idiot cheapskate owners like Bob Nutting —and, boy, do I have continuing grievances to air about that clown— would be forced to spend to a certain limit. Then maybe they would see how spending money actually helps them make more money.

The bottom line would be fans of 20 teams would have hope each year rather than 6 or 7 teams. Plus it wouldn’t always be the same 20 teams holding out hope. The best run teams would be the most successful. You know, like it should be in any competitive venture.

After next season, hold out as long as you have to owners, because the future of the game depends on the outcome of the next bargaining agreement.

🤬🤬🤬Grievance 4🤬🤬🤬

Hey, ESPN! I’ve got a lot of problems with you, and now you’re gonna hear about them.

I remember when ESPN was the coolest thing in sports. A network devoted strictly to sports. I was in heaven. SportsCenter was much watch TV. They covered more games than a sports crazed kid could imagine. Then they dipped their toes into sports talk TV.

Now?

ESPN is drowning in sports talk TV. They got rid of ESPN Classic, and instead we get a full day of guys screaming at us. From McAfee to Steven A, everyone on ESPN is right all the time. And if you don’t believe them they will yell it a little bit louder.

All of the ESPN personalities should watch Colin Cowherd —who is wrong a lot— Dan Patrick, and Rich Eisen. Those guys all know how to do sports talk TV. ESPN does not, and it has caused me to rarely turn on that network unless it is to watch a game they are televising.

Shut up, ESPN, and show me my games. While you are at it, make me want to watch SportsCenter again and not just for SVP, who is one of the few bright spots.

🤬🤬🤬Grievance 5🤬🤬🤬

Hey NCAA and all the power people in college sports! I’ve got a lot of problems with you people and now you’re gonna hear about them.

I would most assuredly like to rain blows down upon these idiots.

From the NCAA to the school administrators and athletic departments to the TV networks. The only thing that has matter over the past 25-30 years has been making money. More, more, more. Enough has never been enough. They are ruining the great sport of college football, and college basketball isn’t far behind.

Let’s pile all the teams into oversized conferences so that scheduling is next to impossible. Take the fun of regionalization and toss it out the window.

Rivalries? Who cares?

Oklahoma/Nebraska, USC/Notre Dame, Penn State/Pitt, USC/Stanford, and more. Think about the Texas feuds that existed in the old SWC. A few ACC schools were displeased with the new 9 game conference schedule because they have rivalry games out of conference, which means ten games are spoken for. But tradition certainly doesn’t matter.

Money matters.

Consequently we have a game where coaches get fired because of a playoff or bust mentality, players transfer based on other teams promising them more money, an idiotic schedule, bowl games being played with JV rosters, and little to no tradition. Army vs Navy may be the only pure thing left in the game.

Thanks so much you money grubbing bozos.

🤩🤩🤩Festivus Miracles🤩🤩🤩

There were tons of Festivus miracles this year in sports. Too many to list them all. So, here is a small sample size of miracles we witnessed this year.

  • Pat Kraft landing Matt Campbell after one of the most disastrous coaching searches of all time.
  • Matt Rhule getting a contract extension.
  • Notre Dame being left out of the college football playoffs.
  • The bowl season will continue despite Notre Dame opting out.
  • Kalen DeBoer maintaining his sanity.
  • Lincoln Riley emphasizing the running game this year.
  • Phil Mickelson still being allowed to tweet.
  • Ben Cherington appears to have made a good trade for the Pittsburgh Pirates.
  • Arturs Silovs won a shootout.
  • Nebraska is ranked 13….in basketball.
  • Danny Hurley hasn’t been ejected from a basketball game in nearly 4 years.
  • The Raiders won two games this season.
  • The Browns won three games this season, the same number of starting quarterbacks they have employed.

Festivus is a fun fictional folly. You can work anything into sports.

So today we aired grievances, but Santa revs up the ‘ol sleigh tomorrow. Hopefully you fanatics get some new gear and maybe a big win from your team. Happy Festivus, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas to all.

Tweet of the Week

Sidney Crosby passed Mario Lemieux to become the all time scoring leader for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Two top five players in NHL history.

 


The Weekly Shiny Penny

Caleb Williams made possibly the pass of the year on Saturday to lead the Bears to clinch a playoff berth. On Sunday he did this.

 


A Penny For My Final Thought…

I should air one more grievance. A grievance against the guy who writes this column.

A few weeks ago he claimed Mason Rudolph should quarterback the Steelers for the remainder of the season. Aaron Rodgers looked old and decrepit, so why not let Rudolph have some run.

Said writer was questioned by a high school classmate —a girl classmate— at his class reunion about that column, insinuating that I was way off. Well…

Gail, you were right. I was wrong.

Aaron Rodgers looks, well, spry. He is throwing the ball well, and he even escaped the pocket a couple times. Most importantly, he is keeping the offense moving through leadership and accountability. Here Rodgers is in the middle of a snap count letting Jonnu Smuth know he isn’t in the right spot.

 

 

The players are responding and suddenly the Steelers are one win or one Ravens loss away from a playoff berth.

The defense is fighting through injury after injury, but doing just enough. Just enough Sunday was a stop at the half yard line as time ran out. The lateral shouldn’t have counted, but the offensive pass interference made it a moot point.

 


The Steelers are a tough football team. Ask those that tangled with Darnell Washington.

 

They are not a smart team.

 


DK Metcalf is the latest in a long line of bonehead wide receivers. That stunt will cost Metcalf two games, putting a dent in an already pedestrian passing game. Look for the Steelers to put this guy out wide more often.

 


Nobody that follows the Steelers should be surprised they are in this position. Mike Tomlin secured his nineteenth straight non-losing season. 9 or 10 wins are his sweet spot. Winning playoff games is not so sweet for Tomlin.

I have little faith the Steelers can win in the playoffs, but at this point they need to secure their spot. Nobody wants to be the first team to miss the playoffs.

I was wrong about the Rodgers/Rudolph situation, and I shouldn’t have doubted Tomlin’s ability to rally the troops. Hopefully the Steelers can prove me wrong one more time this season.

Just my two cents…